Stirring up emotions.

 Yep. That pretty much sums this day up. In ALL HONESTY, I have cocooned myself into this happy little bubble, so to speak. Our journey with M's ASD, has been just that for so long. OUR JOURNEY. I didn't have early intervention, no therapy as our evaluation wont be until June now, and school hopefully starts for her on her 3rd Birthday, so she will hopefully start it then (in May).

 I had my appointment with the child study team this morning to address my concerns, in all honesty it was a pointless meeting in my opinion, but I see why it is necessary. A lot of this is pregnancy hormones, but its becoming real. Too real, for today at least.

 I keep looking at the paper work, and I just want to cry. I look at the list of my concerns (2 pages), seeing it all on paper, in one place, breaks my heart. Was this something I have done? There is a lot of media around "bullies" right now, and well to any "normal" person she would look like a bad kid. {My Daughter isn't giving me a rough time, she is HAVING a rough time.} On the radio a lot of calls where going in, how it's the parents fault... Now this has NOTHING to do with bullying or anything BUT it got me thinking. I am sorry, but it feels to me like this is my fault. What if it is something I have done/haven't done, did/didn't do, said/ didn't say, that made her this way? My rational mind is like, no there IS  something wrong, but my irrational mind (she gets a little crazy) wants to cry and scream at the top of my lungs, that I am a horrible Mom.

 I liked my little bubble of me and my family. I feel like that is how it should be. I should get to enjoy my family, and don't get me wrong, I do. I love how exciting my life is because of my kids! However, I have a little social anxiety, my current career path, and well this, has kind of forced me to be more of a people person lately. My comfort zone, for far too long has been my own home. I am not embarrassed by my Daughter, but it is EASIER to stick to a routine here.

 This will pass (lol probably by the time I press publish), but I needed to get this out. I have a friend who is amazing and works with special needs children, and will probably be working with M soon, and I know I can call her (or any of my other Mommy/non-mommy friends for that matter) but I just can't. Sounds crazy. I know. I just like the idea of writing it and leaving it.

 Now about Therapy and School. This is hard for me. She is my angel. She is perfect to me. I think the idea of other people giving me their opinions of her is what scares me the most. Good or bad, I don't want to hear it. I want her to have all the help she needs, but at the same time, I want to protect her. I wanted to be the one to give her that help. I am her Mom. I am the one who should be able to understand her. That is the part that makes me jealous as well. Jeremy has a better understanding with her. Well I guess it's more of she allows him in her space more.

 I know Jeremy loves all his babies, and I know he has a special relationship with each one, but it is the relationship between him and her that makes me jealous. He gets to snuggle with M on a daily basis, she fixates on him when he's home. I know a lot of that has to do with his working schedule, but selfishly I am jealous. I want that too. I remember the day... yep the day... she stopped nursing. It was that day she stopped needing ME. She needs me for Mommy things (thankfully), but she doesn't need me in the way W and J need their Mommy. I am lucky to get some hugs and kisses from her, when she wants, and I cherish those moments, and long for them.

 Don't get me wrong, everyday isn't bad. She has good days, and The Lord knows, I've had better... Thank you 101.5 for the spiral into bad mama drama... LMAO.  I am excited to "get back out there" so to speak. I know it's not good to be in our own bubble. I guess for the past year or more it's been MY coping mechanism. My new me thing is working out. I am not over doing it because I am pregnant, but I like the way I feel! I haven't been able to say that in a while... Even pregnant, I like the person I am on the inside and out. I want to be strong for my kids... inside and out. I WILL be strong... inside and out!

 Thanks for reading!

Mama H.