I stopped posting after just one too many, "There's nothing wrong with her, you just need to give her time". Well time for what? Please, let me tell you, it's not ok! Read my posts, but don't send me messages about how you think I am crazy, she is going through a phase , or that doctors are too quick to had out diagnosis'! Guess what! My pediatrician didn't give her the diagnosis, a neuro-developmentalist at one of the top Children's hospitals in the state, did! I fought with MYSELF over this! What mother wants to admit there is something "wrong" with their baby? I don't want pity or apologies, and I don't need your diagnosis. We have that, not just once, but twice over now. I just want support, weather you've been where I am or just following my posts. Understand, there is no ONE diagnosis of autism.
***** end vent *****
Yesterday was hard for me. The days we go for follow up are nerve wracking! My biggest fear (and hope) is that, our doctor tells me she is fine. That this is "normal". I am not sure if all ASD Mom's do this, or have done this, but even though I KNOW BETTER, I compare my M to other children. Thankfully she is very High Fuctioning, meaning she has the potential to learn to cope with her challenges and succeed later in life. Anyway, I see other children, who are non-functioning/non-verbal and feel guilty. I do feel crazy in that moment. Than I remember our "bad days". They happen frequently, but I am not sure if I am just so used to them it has become my "normal" or if we are having more "good days".
It brings tears to my eyes thinking, "I am just used to it". I am just used to not understanding "what's wrong", because quite frankly she can't explain it to me! It's a guessing game! Today she said her chest hurt I said show me, she couldn't, her chest probably wasn't what hurt her, she just knew that word. She does know most body parts, but with autism and her sensory issues, it in all honesty could have been that her shirt didn't feel right, it was too loud ( she did express that with covering her ears and saying ow), but I just don't know.
For M things like touch, clothing, sound, light, sometimes even darkness, brushing her hair, etc, HURT. But at the same time she has quirks, like she needs to wear a hat and jacket no matter what! (OCD). I will explain in detail her quirks and thing in another post, another time, just giving an example.
Her diagnosis' have not changed. She will hopefully be evaluated buy the child study team at our local elementary school for their special education preschool program. I was told that it is up to them. Everyone I have spoken to says there is no reason they wouldn't accept her, but it again is just another thing for me to worry about. It is what I do. I worry. ABOUT EVERYTHING. I compare not only my kids to others, but myself as a mom, wife, woman in general, to other women, among other things. It is something I NEED TO WORK ON.
In W news, he is needing a little incentive at school. He is getting bored in all honesty. He just doesn't want to work that hard... with out a reward. SOO Jeremy and I have come up with a point system, and shared it with his teacher. IT'S WORKING!!!! This week he has to earn at least 5 points to get Rita's Italian Ice. If that is what it takes so be it. I love that his teacher and I have great communication. I get overwhelmed with helping him sometimes (we both have ADD) and my Aunt is fantastic with him. But his teacher has helped me come up with a system that works for us. Turns out, he is more than likely pushing my buttons, because it is that time of year. He is over school, over homework, and well he is a typical 6 year old LOL. So now if he doesn't by the time the timer goes off (15 minutes) he has to do his work during play time. It is fair, he really does not even get 15 minutes of work and I know he knows what he's supposed to be doing. His teacher said it may take two weeks but he so far with the timer, he likes it. It's sort of a challenge. Can he beat the timer. If I know he is truly working I will let him go over, but so far he's been done before. DON'T GET ME WRONG, it has only been two days. I can say though, I never had homework in K, and was not able to read what he is reading until first/second grade (and he is behind!!!)!
He gets intervention, mostly because he can't focus, but that could very well be his age. I have noticed it at home but his teacher and doctor said not to worry too much until first grade. Don't get me wrong, I am NOT for medicating my children. Especially if their only problem is focusing.
In J news, he is "the baby". Jeremy, W and M treat him like that still. He can talk, he just choses not to because he knows someone will get him what he wants. LOL. It is "cute", but I finally have hubs on board with having him use his words. We have also noticed, he has picked up on some of M's habits. Like screaming. It is not the same as M. He is not doing it for the same reasons, he does it for typical one year old stuff. I really don't know how to put it in words, but it's not autism. Catch my drift.
He is however, so laid back. Nothing seems to phase him. He (for the most part) is patient with M. J and her have their moments and I can't help but laugh. They are close, yet will have "squabbles" over things like toys, a chair... yes a chair. One that they BOTH can fit on but neither wants to share, and when it's all said and done, he will give her a hug (not always reciprocated or wanted), but he is her calm, just like W is her happy.
M is so lucky to have two great fellas in her life. I have no worries about them not bonding, they already have such a great one. I am excited to find out what #4 is. I am sure everyone reading this is from my Facebook, so you all already know. We wont find out for a while, and if we do ... we aren't telling :P . W wants another brother AND sister. He wants a brother named Rock Star. Wouldn't that be interesting! For a sister, it keeps changing, he liked Emma Jo, now he likes Katy Grace, and there were others. All girls he probably knows at school. Except Emma Jo, he heard me through that out there.
M just yesterday out of no where goes I want a sister. Hasn't mentioned it since. If you ask her you get all kinds of answers, some having nothing to do with the baby in Mommy's belly. J doesn't get it yet. He may not. We saw a baby at CSH today and I made the connection. I said, "see baby, there's a baby in mama's belly", and he looked at my belly puzzled a few times like, really? Where? It was so cute!!!!! He does rub my belly sometimes, so maybe in his own way he knows.
I am 18 weeks today. All is good, baby's hear rate is in the 150's 160's. Not sure when the gender scan will be yet. Due to insurance things are different this time. I can honestly say I miss my Midwives. :(
Sorry for the long read. I don't know when and how often my posts will be. For my sanity I need to write things down here.
As always, thanks for reading,
Mama H.
Her diagnosis' have not changed. She will hopefully be evaluated buy the child study team at our local elementary school for their special education preschool program. I was told that it is up to them. Everyone I have spoken to says there is no reason they wouldn't accept her, but it again is just another thing for me to worry about. It is what I do. I worry. ABOUT EVERYTHING. I compare not only my kids to others, but myself as a mom, wife, woman in general, to other women, among other things. It is something I NEED TO WORK ON.
In W news, he is needing a little incentive at school. He is getting bored in all honesty. He just doesn't want to work that hard... with out a reward. SOO Jeremy and I have come up with a point system, and shared it with his teacher. IT'S WORKING!!!! This week he has to earn at least 5 points to get Rita's Italian Ice. If that is what it takes so be it. I love that his teacher and I have great communication. I get overwhelmed with helping him sometimes (we both have ADD) and my Aunt is fantastic with him. But his teacher has helped me come up with a system that works for us. Turns out, he is more than likely pushing my buttons, because it is that time of year. He is over school, over homework, and well he is a typical 6 year old LOL. So now if he doesn't by the time the timer goes off (15 minutes) he has to do his work during play time. It is fair, he really does not even get 15 minutes of work and I know he knows what he's supposed to be doing. His teacher said it may take two weeks but he so far with the timer, he likes it. It's sort of a challenge. Can he beat the timer. If I know he is truly working I will let him go over, but so far he's been done before. DON'T GET ME WRONG, it has only been two days. I can say though, I never had homework in K, and was not able to read what he is reading until first/second grade (and he is behind!!!)!
He gets intervention, mostly because he can't focus, but that could very well be his age. I have noticed it at home but his teacher and doctor said not to worry too much until first grade. Don't get me wrong, I am NOT for medicating my children. Especially if their only problem is focusing.
In J news, he is "the baby". Jeremy, W and M treat him like that still. He can talk, he just choses not to because he knows someone will get him what he wants. LOL. It is "cute", but I finally have hubs on board with having him use his words. We have also noticed, he has picked up on some of M's habits. Like screaming. It is not the same as M. He is not doing it for the same reasons, he does it for typical one year old stuff. I really don't know how to put it in words, but it's not autism. Catch my drift.
He is however, so laid back. Nothing seems to phase him. He (for the most part) is patient with M. J and her have their moments and I can't help but laugh. They are close, yet will have "squabbles" over things like toys, a chair... yes a chair. One that they BOTH can fit on but neither wants to share, and when it's all said and done, he will give her a hug (not always reciprocated or wanted), but he is her calm, just like W is her happy.
M is so lucky to have two great fellas in her life. I have no worries about them not bonding, they already have such a great one. I am excited to find out what #4 is. I am sure everyone reading this is from my Facebook, so you all already know. We wont find out for a while, and if we do ... we aren't telling :P . W wants another brother AND sister. He wants a brother named Rock Star. Wouldn't that be interesting! For a sister, it keeps changing, he liked Emma Jo, now he likes Katy Grace, and there were others. All girls he probably knows at school. Except Emma Jo, he heard me through that out there.
M just yesterday out of no where goes I want a sister. Hasn't mentioned it since. If you ask her you get all kinds of answers, some having nothing to do with the baby in Mommy's belly. J doesn't get it yet. He may not. We saw a baby at CSH today and I made the connection. I said, "see baby, there's a baby in mama's belly", and he looked at my belly puzzled a few times like, really? Where? It was so cute!!!!! He does rub my belly sometimes, so maybe in his own way he knows.
I am 18 weeks today. All is good, baby's hear rate is in the 150's 160's. Not sure when the gender scan will be yet. Due to insurance things are different this time. I can honestly say I miss my Midwives. :(
Sorry for the long read. I don't know when and how often my posts will be. For my sanity I need to write things down here.
As always, thanks for reading,
Mama H.
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