Lets Get Real

 This week is going great! NOT. I can't tell you how horrible this day has been! I call a do over. Well it could be worse. At least Jeremy is here to fix the things that have gone wrong. I am running on no sleep. Poor Miss M has not been sleeping again. She is not cranky, or in a horrible mood. She just doesn't sleep. I am told this is "normal" for Autistic ... ugh that A word ... children. Last night Caty Innie House Fly (her name of the day) was up singing about nothing in particular. Although I like sleep, I love hearing her sing.

 I have to admit, I feel terrible sometimes. I feel W gets the short stick. Since we've been blessed with M & J, and with M always having special needs, I feel like he has to "be a big brother" more than other big brothers. He is AWESOME at this BTW, but he needs more Mommy time. I know this. I feel sad that I have to juggle things with only two hands so to speak. I do make it to all special school events, and it is great that to see his face light up when he sees me show up "unexpectedly", but sometimes when she is screaming because he is in her space or wants a toy he is playing with, I get to the point where I ask him to just let her have it or say, "Sorry hunny, but she just doesn't want hugs right now". He gets it, but only as much as a 5 year old can understand. I have a "Date" planned for me and W to go to the park and have a picnic before it gets way to cold. Next sunny Saturday it is me and him :)

 J will be 11 months this month!!! I can't believe this year has flown. He is such a clam, happy little baby. He is so full of life, and makes this really cute faces. He doesn't talk much, but he grunts his words and babbles. I try to show people what I mean but I can't do it. It's like he talks without moving his lips. He makes kissy faces, serious faces, and goofy faces. NEVER for the camera though. I would love to capture him doing these so I can show him later. I love that all of my children have their own personalities. Yes they may be like Daddy or Myself, but their personalities are all their own and I am so blessed that Heavenly Father chose us to be their parents.

Thanks for reading,

Mama H.

Why did I do this?

 Why did I stop being involved with her little play group friends? It probably has hindered her more than anything. I felt sad seeing these children, most of them younger, doing things M wasn't. Looking back, I am not even sure the other parents noticed at the time, but I did. I was selfish to pull back and away from these women, who's children were a good thing for M. The only thing I can say now is "oh well, my loss". BUT it is not just my loss, it is hers.

 At the same time though, I keep finding my self thinking, especially during the good  moments, "What if the Developmental Neurologist got this wrong"? I KNOW that she wasn't, but it is during those good moments, the moments she feels she wants to let us in to her world, that I find myself saying that.

Halloween was great for my little Sensory Seeker. A few things were too much for her, but Daddy rescued her (lol). She was a girl on a mission, and her mission? CANDY. She wore a part of her costume, but that was okay. She likes HER clothes. She only said thank you to a few old ladies. I think she just sensed they were motherly and wise. Only ONE lady got offended she didn't say Trick or Treat, or thank you, or speak when she was spoken too. Jeremy just said, "Happy Halloween". I am grateful he was with her, because I probably would have educated her a little.

 Things were off yesterday. W had a half day at school, and I suck at remembering (and figuring out) when exactly he should get the bus. M didn't go to sleep until 3:30 in the morning because she was on sensory overload, and J was cranky! It was a lot for him too. To day seems to be going well. I finally got M to get dressed and we are going to see Pop. The kids love their Pop. On a Mommy note, I get my phone today. Woo Whoo. This means LOTS of phone calls to make Monday. I have to call Daycares to find a place that will take an unpotty trained 2 year old with special needs, EI, TBS where M will be attending in May, and a friend about therapies for M. Still on the fence about EI since she will only get it for 6 months and a few other Mom's in the area told me that EI more often than not cancelled their appointments.

Anyway, thanks for reading!

Mama H.

Another Year Older

Another year wiser.

Ok maybe not so much, but I have so much to be thankful for. This past year has been so eventful! We welcomed our 3rd precious baby, moved into our own place, W is a kindergartner (& loves it!), M started talking in full sentences to jeremy and I recently, and although we've seemed to have caught every cold and virus, so far we gotten over things rather quickly.

I have learned so much about myself as a person and mother, which I could not have done, had it not been for my loving husband. Without whom I really do not know where I'd be.  He is such an opposite to me it's funny. I get so wrapped up in life, but he reminds me to slow down, almost as much as my 3 beautiful babies do.

One of the reasons I love my birthday, is because it is so close to Halloween. W is going to be Skippy Jon Jones, M is going to be a Cute Skelton (if she wears it, she's not really having it), and Little J is a spider. This is the first Halloween M gets to go out since her first and second didn't happen. For her first Halloween it snowed and her second was Sandy. It is J's VERY FIRST Halloween!!!!! So excited!!!

Thanks for reading!

Mama H.

When you hear the words Autism & Autistic

Many people assume the worst. Fact of the matter is not all people with Autism are the same. If you know one person with Autism, you know ONE person with Autism.

M has a "high functioning" form of Autism.  She is average to above average intellectually,  however her devolpmental, emotional and verbal capacities are delayed. She will have to go through Occupational Therapy,  Speech Therapy, and Applied Behavior Analysis. Her diagnosis is simular to that of  Asperger's, but she doesn't have the language development of a child with Asperger's. But of course there are other simularities and differences with other Autisms as well.

The outlook right now is good. She is blessed to have the diagnosis,  and I can honestly say she is blessed we had the cajones (pardon my spanish), to say, "something's not right with our child". It would have been easier to push it aside, or let the school deal with it, so to speak, but I just could not do that to her. That would not be fair to her.

I know it could be a lot worse, and I am so thankful we have been blessed with this journey. I know it will be tough, I know it won't be easy, but I also know that this is part of a plan that Heavenly Father has made for me and my family. We are going to learn so much from her.

Thanks for reading,

Mama H.

A Diagnosis: Autism Spectrum Disorder, Mixed Receptive/Expressive Language Disorder and Sensory Processing Disorder

 Yesterday J, M, Little J and Myself went to Children's Specialized Hospital in Mountainside NJ. This has been a long time coming and we have to pay out of pocket most likely due to a mix up from our Family Physician. That should be the part I am worried, anxious and in tears about, as we DO NOT have the funds to pay for that. It is only 500 dollars but that is 500 dollars we don't have at this time. We have not extra cash for this at the moment. I am anxious, worried and in tears for my baby.

 I have suspected Autism for a long time. We have been on the waiting list for Children's Specialized since August 2012. 1 year 2 months and 18 days to be exact. Yes I know that of hand. I can honestly tell you that I have wanted to scream at people for telling me she is "fine", that this was a "phase" and my favorite, "but she makes eye contact". Thank you for noticing. What they fail to notice are the small things that bother her, her inability to do things a child her age should be doing, among other things. While yes, she is "looking" at you, she is not looking AT you. There is a difference.

 Why was I so shocked, heartbroken even, that my baby was diagnosed with exactly what I had expected all this time? I couldn't tell you. I can tell you that I had optimistically prepared myself to be wrong. I told myself that it was in my head. Quite honestly, how could you prepare your self to be right. I think while every mother knows her child, you still fear what is unknown and sometimes the known. This hurts me probably more than she will ever even care about her diagnosis. While I don't know first hand what she is going through or the world she has to live in, where everything is not the way we see, hear, smell and taste it to be, I think seeing her go through this, and not being able to fix it, is what hurts me. I can do what I can in our environment to make  it as suitable for her as possible, but I can't help but hurt at the thought of her not understanding that people can be mean.

 Just today she had a melt down at walmart, because she wanted to walk not sit in the cart. Normally you can tell a child that enough is enough and if you don't behave we will leave. For Meira she can't understand that. It is a VERY big deal that she can't walk. I hugged her, told her it was okay and we rode out the tears together. It was a short episode so we were able to move on with our shopping. All the while getting stares yes it probably looked like she was a typical 2 year old freaking out, but it's not the case. I can't wear a huge sign saying "hey stop staring at my Autistic Child or I'll throat punch you", but let me just say I'd like to!

 My emotions are still so raw. Normally stares mean nothing or I combatively apologize by saying something like "sorry, she has special needs", but not today. Today they meant she was different, I AM DIFFERENT. Not in a "different from the cool kids" type way; meaning we are different people now. This sounds petty even as I am typing it, but I wont let anyone try to un-justify the way I feel right now. I don't want to here it will be OKAY or at least she's high functioning. NOT TODAY, not this minute. Maybe later I can hear it, but TODAY I need to feel MY emotions. I don't care if you have made special education your life's career. I am HER mother. I have loved her since conception, I have dreams for her, so I get to feel the way I need to.

 Sorry told you I am still emotionally raw lol. I will (hopefully) keep updating as much as I can on M, W and Little J as much as possible. Thanks for reading.

Mama H.