Yesterday J, M, Little J and Myself went to Children's Specialized Hospital in Mountainside NJ. This has been a long time coming and we have to pay out of pocket most likely due to a mix up from our Family Physician. That should be the part I am worried, anxious and in tears about, as we DO NOT have the funds to pay for that. It is only 500 dollars but that is 500 dollars we don't have at this time. We have not extra cash for this at the moment. I am anxious, worried and in tears for my baby.
I have suspected Autism for a long time. We have been on the waiting list for Children's Specialized since August 2012. 1 year 2 months and 18 days to be exact. Yes I know that of hand. I can honestly tell you that I have wanted to scream at people for telling me she is "fine", that this was a "phase" and my favorite, "but she makes eye contact". Thank you for noticing. What they fail to notice are the small things that bother her, her inability to do things a child her age should be doing, among other things. While yes, she is "looking" at you, she is not looking AT you. There is a difference.
Why was I so shocked, heartbroken even, that my baby was diagnosed with exactly what I had expected all this time? I couldn't tell you. I can tell you that I had optimistically prepared myself to be wrong. I told myself that it was in my head. Quite honestly, how could you prepare your self to be right. I think while every mother knows her child, you still fear what is unknown and sometimes the known. This hurts me probably more than she will ever even care about her diagnosis. While I don't know first hand what she is going through or the world she has to live in, where everything is not the way we see, hear, smell and taste it to be, I think seeing her go through this, and not being able to fix it, is what hurts me. I can do what I can in our environment to make it as suitable for her as possible, but I can't help but hurt at the thought of her not understanding that people can be mean.
Just today she had a melt down at walmart, because she wanted to walk not sit in the cart. Normally you can tell a child that enough is enough and if you don't behave we will leave. For Meira she can't understand that. It is a VERY big deal that she can't walk. I hugged her, told her it was okay and we rode out the tears together. It was a short episode so we were able to move on with our shopping. All the while getting stares yes it probably looked like she was a typical 2 year old freaking out, but it's not the case. I can't wear a huge sign saying "hey stop staring at my Autistic Child or I'll throat punch you", but let me just say I'd like to!
My emotions are still so raw. Normally stares mean nothing or I combatively apologize by saying something like "sorry, she has special needs", but not today. Today they meant she was different, I AM DIFFERENT. Not in a "different from the cool kids" type way; meaning we are different people now. This sounds petty even as I am typing it, but I wont let anyone try to un-justify the way I feel right now. I don't want to here it will be OKAY or at least she's high functioning. NOT TODAY, not this minute. Maybe later I can hear it, but TODAY I need to feel MY emotions. I don't care if you have made special education your life's career. I am HER mother. I have loved her since conception, I have dreams for her, so I get to feel the way I need to.
Sorry told you I am still emotionally raw lol. I will (hopefully) keep updating as much as I can on M, W and Little J as much as possible. Thanks for reading.
Mama H.
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